resolving cognitive dissonance after narcissistic abuse

The science perspective on all of this, Male Nord? That was the end of my pursuit to try and protect innocent people from this monster. The thing is that narcissists (covert narcissists) always project a different image to the world outside their homes. And I really do want to heal. The man I’m divorcing has had literally hundreds of chances and he’s still trying to convince me that it’s ME. What this abuse tactic does is create in the target a sense of unreality, confusion, and a mind-set of not trusting his or her own perception of the situation. Cognitive Dissonance after Narcissistic Abuse ... To solve, one must heal one’s perceptions of sex, one’s sexual identity, and woman/ men. He convinced the none-too-astute officers that he would like me to have a psychiatric exam, because he was sure I was “bonkers” for having disagreed with him. The partner then experiences a state of cognitive dissonance—a hazy unreality of confusion. But when we started looking at our entire relationship we realized it was full of various types of betrayal and that I never actually loved him, or anyone actually. All the while claiming that you are gaslighting them, when in fact it is then that is trying to gaslight you. And my partner and I took him away for a month. Eventually, he had the kids thinking his way – like a cult leader with his groupies. In fact, even after finding Andrea’s articles and beginning to uncover the truth to what they have been through, survivors face an uphill battle trying to find a therapist who specializes in Narcissistic abuse. Then he said he was dying of brain cancer and had 2 years to live. Couldn’t have said it better. It did. I have read the article and most of the comments; that was after reading many other on-line articles for the last couple of hours about narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and energy vampires. Unbelievable lies that he spread about me were despicable and sickening. I had it overturned, but that took months and thousands of dollars. You’ll find out about the 4 most important actions you can take to help yourself resolve the Cognitive Dissonance. I mean, I was supposedly the answer to his prayers. I’m losing people right and left because of it. I wouldn’t have been able to stand up for myself if I hadn’t gone and gotten therapy once I realized something was wrong in my marriage, and that it wasn’t my fault. I think it is a problem to focus on the gender and not focus on the problem behavior. You are simply today’s source of supply. Love your self, and love your kids. You have made your first step in the right direction towards knowing yourself better, changing who you are and the very real possibility of improving your relationship and life for good. I’m 40 and I never knew these people existed…didn’t even know the name of the behavior! You can locate a therapist or counselor in your area by entering your ZIP code here: Do you think this would be an example of cognitive dissonance? The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Thank you so much for continuing to write about this extremely important, but too often overlooked and misunderstood, topic. I am still struggling to entangle from the addictive narcisstistic entanglement with my mom. 2) Do not get angry, count to 10, always (because the Cluster-B person has invested time socially I think because the more my mom pushed me to become weak, the more I rebelled, not to say that I didn’t have my own bloody tears every night. In my forties I tried anti-depressants. I also have been gaslighted by my ex, worse still was when I knew what was happening, the lies, cheating and deceit, he wanted me back, I said no. Trauma underlies pathological Narcissism, but when they grow up, they dish out the Trauma to others, instead of dealing with their own. Cognitive dissonance in lay man’s terms is about having twoconflicting thoughts or beliefs about something or someone at the same time. Started of in the early 2018 trying to understand the context I lived in. Go out and validate YOURSELF! They appear completely differently in daily life. Unreality Check: Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse. To resolve these issues, you need to remind yourself of the nature of narcissism. I am trying to figure out if Iam In this situation. Very severe Narcissism blends into Psychopathy……and please discard the Hollywood version of this that you may think you know. Thank you for the feedback all…I am glad this article has been helpful..Andrea. Verbal and emotional abuse. You develop a sense of cognitive dissonance (conflicting thoughts and feelings) about the toxic relationship as well as other major facets of your life. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html. The abuser then suddenly makes a comment denying they said anything about getting married. Looking back, I can see things clearly. He was very close to my family, and he began a relationship with me when I was a teen. Sherry Stines once touched on that aspect, too. I had no clue I was a narcissit. So what can. The toll on our son is enormous. I am stuck in this abuse with a narcissist. I was then able to help him finish his school year at home through considerable financial burden and help him get back on his feet psychologically, emotionally. I knew my life wasn’t working, that my relationships weren’t giving me what I thought I wanted. People who are healing from toxic love relationships do well to educate themselves on the nature of the emotional abuse sustained so that they can move through their pain to a place of healing. I had only learned what Narcissistic abuse was after searching tirelessly on the internet for something that could explain what I had just been through. In the theory, an individual seeks to reduce information or opinions that make him or her uncomfortable. So beware: Some therapists behave this way. But I don’t believe there is motive and intentionality throughout the narrative, except perhaps maybe in parts of the abuse cycle. The narcissist has intentionally put us in a position of having to constantly review words and actions that do not match. The author gave poor examples and confused terms. Sounds like he’s trying to distract everyone from the real and original issue: his internet cheating, in which he was caught red-handed. A question. Narcissist Abuse literally turns your known reality on its head. Please fill out all required fields to submit your message. But good luck if you have found a good therapist as I think they are hard to come by in this field xx. https://www.goodtherapy.org/submit-your-story.html. Now it seems I think of myself as confused,scared,unrealistic and selfish. I am thankful for the information and learning that these learned behaviors can be unlearned. I did pursue the CBT course which was very hard as it tackled depression which I realise I also suffered from during the last 2 years we were together & since. My Narcissistic husband became worse — enormous lies, smearing my reputation to everyone we knew (and I was shocked that some “friends” never questioned what he told them), destroying our finances, damaging or stealing my belongings, and becoming abusive in every way you might imagine. 9 E Loockerman St, Ste 202Dover, DE 19901. What is the science perspective. Thank you for your comment. He cooked up another smear, took it to court this time, and had me thrown out of our home on false allegations. Now I see it as mostly BULL***. In fact, much of what happened during the course of the board’s “investigation” of the 15 point ethical complaint that was filed by me (and the therapist I eventually got up the courage to see after the abusive one) was deceptive, unethical and potentially illegal. I can only imagine the nightmare she created at this mental health agency. Excuses about how he only lied because I forced him to with my demands. It’s hard, because I still feel a connection. I had no idea of the lies and deceit he has said and done. Thank God that is not my story. It can land you in court for years of often-fruitless fighting for your kids. The partner envisions wedding details and enjoys the courtship, flowers, and being placed on a pedestal. He also says he hates his life and wishes he were dead. Others lacking in any emotional intelligence what so ever., aren’t in touch enough consciously being aware ..what the hell they do to themselves or others. It is good to separate between popular comments (like mine) and science. I recommend here: “Reinventing Your Life” (Jeffrey Young/Janet Klosko. She is not a Psychologist or academic. any how men dont know how to organize their selves with out making the opposite gender the problem, when they are the ones who have and continue to do so make laws and rules of society due to men being in power .but that is all changing more women are now graduating from college than men are, so in 20/30 years more women will hold ceo jobs!!! I was in a state of my whole world crumbling around me. Blame is then projected upon the partner, and the partner is dizzy with confusion, recalling that, indeed, their significant other did discuss wedding bells and a future together. I wasn’t even born then but I found out that my mom may have such tendencies, after a few decades of living with her. The fact that you are on this board, reading this article and the comments that follow it to try and self reflect and determine if YOU need to change is really not at all consistent with someone with NPD. I knew I always wanted my way,but doesn’t everyone? As someone who has suffered at the hands of a pathological narcissist and still struggling with the problems, indeed it would seem that by the end of the course, after being discarded and divorced for no clear reason following years of abuse, it would seem to be all motive driven and indeed that is often how descriptions of narcissists seem to indicate. <3, @Megan — you are so welcome — thanks for your comment. Let the police and any flying monkeys he drags into this know the real score, and ask him/them every time “when will he address the real original issue of HIS INTERNET CHEATING?” Narcissisrs deny, deflect and defame. The further you go on the spectrum of narcissism, the less empathy that person has within. Essentially, cognitive dissonance occurs when humans experience a state of holding two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs in their cognition at one time. The thing is, I never wanted to be this way. I felt like I’d been lovebombed and it was all lies…. Keep up the great work with your healing. Slowly he began to change into an abusive monster. You enter into Alice-in-Upside-Down-Land. An Attachment Disorder is a personal Trauma. For many survivors it can be very difficult to get to the point of acceptance of who the narcissist really is when feeling cognitive dissonance. Speaking of alcoholism, I have tried 12-Step recovery (in a half-stepper manner) throughout my “adult” life. You may choose not to post this comment, but the truth will come out soon. The rest seem determined to bury the secret of abusive narcissistic therapists, while innocent people are in that office right now. Blowing Hot and Cold. I would like to know if violence is a regular part of a narcissist’s pattern when their victim gets free. Thank you so much, Kate, @Kate—so glad the articles have been helpful. I had a child with this woman, and was repeatedly treated to rage fits, extreme devaluation, gaslighting, projection, projective identification, wash-rinse-tumble dry: the whole package. In terms of taking this transmission one step further, with the additional trauma of divorce in a family with a pathological Narcissist, you get Attachment-Based Parental Alienation, which is a horror. Because the emotional quality in popular comments talks more to the heart than to the mind. It fits. I had a big shot of both and glady help anyone I can by TELLING MY STORY. And then came the therapy. She came to me by reading my posts about narcissism and told me she was currently being abused by a sadistic narcissist which was her boss at a mental health agency. I’ve seen some higher functioning abusers .. at least get a glimpse if their behavior.. enough to have periods of normality. There are many different kinds of Traumas which may lead to Trauma Responses (read Pete Walker and Stephen Porges and Peter Levine), but Attachment Disorders are a type of Trauma found in family situations, and are prone to intergenerational transmission. Let me rephrase, “I never thought of myself as having narcissitc traits”. © Copyright 2014 GoodTherapy.org. You’ll also find out about the kinds of brain damage that the stress of the abuse and the confusion of the Cognitive Dissonance can cause. Sincerely, Andrea. Is what I’m going through cognitive disonance or something else? There are several good memoirs available as well – “”My Sweet Encounter with Death” (Ana Christina) and “The Other Side of Charm” (H.G. One day, a man of courage will begin to follow this process and stop waiting for others to do it. I have just left a 2 yr relationship with the man I thought was my soulmate and my future. I know they had a very though time whe they grew up (know their parents and remember shared traumas decades ago) but sometimes you just have to move on in life. It got to the point where he was yelling at me for saying hello to another man. Don’t wait for things to get better. Good on you for recognizing. His father had left when he was a toddler and his mother had effectively kept him out of the son’s life, so she had full control. If you want to share i will reply straight away. I tried to minimize my transgression, make it seem she was the one who had done something wrong, We were at a crisis point and I begged her to stay with me, promising to change. 1. Even contacting licensing boards in various states to try and locate these professionals sometimes results in being asked “Narcissistic what?” when I explain what I need help locating. And much more. That is not correct. Above all, please know help is available, should you seek it. I have since read many stories of people in couples therapy getting sucked further under with a well meaning but uneducated counselor. Don’t fall for it and don’t let him drag you into peripheral conflicts. Pathological Narcissism/Empathy are about not being able to live in the middle of that spectrum, which is the healthy place to be — love for others/ love of Self, equally. She told me she would not keep wasting our money and would not keep seeing us together. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. The reason this is so distressing is that we need our thoughts and actions to agree with each other. One day, … My once-loving children became as vicious and abusive to me as my husband. My son is now quite abusive at home, particularly towards me. @Anne– if you have that level of insight and capacity for self-reflection and a willingness to shine a flashlight on your “stuff”, I would be cautious to label yourself as a narcissist…someone who has extreme NPD is closed off to change and doesn’t think they have a problem. Tammy. I’m at that point too. While in the middle of it, I had no clue. I reluctantly accepted that I am a relationship and romance addict, and was ready to call it a day- had resigned myself to the life plan of trying to get and stay sober with absolutely no hope of success. I even got made fun of and treated with scorn for getting help. Thank you very much for your time in reading this. I still hurt because part of me wants to believe that he is a good guy. He had taken them away forcefully many times, for days at a stretch, to anonymous motels where I could not reach them. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html. We just don’t know how valid any of that is. Thank you for your reply. I want to treat my husband well. One believes that there is something there and one day we will work out how to be in each others lives and the other believes that he is damaged and dangerous and that I am doomed if I let him anywhere near me – Both of them are screaming! All relationships had a “destruct” mechanism built in. What are the etiological factors in the development of the narcissistic abuser’s personality? This is all so very true. Be grateful he didn’t put up a fight. My mother is a closet (covert) narcissist. Great article and wonderful comments. It just doesn’t last long .. WOW!!!!!! And use I through out the entire paragraph it’s like there retarded limited .notice how Many times does Hugh has to write I to remind readers it’s him .why does he do that ?limited person . Last year when he was 11, he absolutely wanted to live with his father so – desperate and not knowing what to do – I agreed to it. He says I steel all his dad’s money (something his dad has always said, even though he pays less child support than he legally is supposed to), and he blames me for his pain (I told him years ago that things would get better with the “help” of psychologists, and they have not). I really do care about her, maybe too much because i feel stuck to her and can’t let her go. This person is seeing a councilor but is intelligent enough to keep certain information away from the councilor and only tell them what they want them to hear. So it will go on down the line, unless healed. Of course, the theory is the greater the dissonance the more you will naturally feel motivated to resolve it. She writes in plain-speak, but she gets to the gist of things. The result of gaslighting is that the target of abuse doubts their own reality of the situation because the abuser is trying to confuse and disorient the target in order to maintain power and control, all at the cost of the emotional well-being of the target. One was diagnosed as a Psychopath and the other as an Empath, perfectly reflecting their biological parents. We tell ourselves its not their fault theyre like this, so why dont they deserve love? There are many more steps in the healing process, but working through cognitive dissonance is a key, initial component in reducing trauma and anxiety in survivors of emotional abuse. Both genders are and do inflect pain and hardship on people who love them. Until then, the Re-enactment Compulsion is just going to continue re-enacting. And keeps secrets. He would go cold and silent, then I would beg him to tell him what was wrong, what I had done to displease him. I tried the two ways when I felt enough was enough and I had learned their game-plan. With all respect, Christine V, I am in complete agreement with you….no form of narcissistic abuse is ok…and when a person is abused by a professional in a position of power, this is a very disturbing and dangerous situation…and unfortunately, common…(clergy, politicians, therapist, etc)…so it is absolutely essential for the consumer of the service to interview the person they wish to receive the service from…and information is indeed power…so I commend you on bringing attention to this issue…I think there are more therapists than you realize (myself included) who do not enable or stand for narcissistic abuse. How did that happen? Either as a well-photographed celebrity, or as the guy who always fixes everyone’s handyman problems throughout the neighborhood and gets consistently praised for this (but woe be to anyone who criticizes him in the slightest way….they are toast!). I believe that for a supportive and effective therapeutic alliance to be formed, clients do have to find the “right” therapist. People who have strong narcissistic tendencies can be quite charming at times, particularly at first. Narcissists rely on cognitive dissonance in order to carry out their campaigns of abuse, whereby no-one can believe that charming person they know, the Dr Jekyll, could possibly be responsible for the heinously toxic acts, even when presented with hard evidence of the Mr Hyde. And even though I was skeptical it kinda worked & even though I know I cant stop thoughts of him, I’m beginning to recognise when I’m ruminating & change my thought patterns. He says he wishes I were dead and that I would die in a car crash. It is very distressing, and can be unrelenting in its torment. Sounds Crazy, I know but he convinced me I didnt see what I just saw. He assured me he wanted me in his life, but never invited me to be a part of anything important.

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